Frank had been married for 20 years when he had an affair with another woman. Eventually, his wife caught him and gave him an ultimatum. When the initial shock wave subsided, Frank faced the biggest question of his life: should he stay or should he go? Family, long-term partnership, spacious home, country house, and much more on one hand vs. romantic relationship, being understood, and feeling light on the other hand. Tough choice.
When we face decisions like that, we all have different approaches to navigating them. Some of us come for advice to our family and friends. Some seek help from a professional, like me. Some create long lists of pros and cons, while others go to solitude or retreat in nature.
Our brain consists of two halves, a left hemisphere alongside a nearly symmetrical right one. A Nobel prize laureate, Robert Sperry conducted his research on the differences of the hemispheres in the 1960s. He found that the human brain had specialized functions on the right and left, and that the two sides could operate practically independently. The research continues to this day, and our understanding of the differences between the hemispheres is growing.
In his book “The Master and His Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World”, a psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist argues that the left brain is like a narrow, but very bright beam of a flashlight. It allows us to study an object or a concept scrupulously, with attention to details. As the value of logic and analytics in the Western world increases, the left brain gets over developed and takes over. We become very good at analyzing what is in front of us (work, schedule, routine) but lose the ability to take a broader viewpoint using our right brain. When we face a decision that requires a wider perspective, we reach for our favorite tool — analytical left brain. And that leads to the feeling of being stuck.
Now, back to the story of Frank, whose name I changed in this post for obvious reasons. At the end of our work together, he decided to stay married. What helped him to make the decision could be divided into two categories: raising awareness and taking a wider perspective. The awareness bit helped to identify and name his feelings and states-of-being. Mindfulness, emotional intelligence, that sort of thing. Super important and well developed discipline by now. The other bit, less known and talked about, was getting outside and looking at his life path from a different, wider perspective. Going back to his childhood places, spending time alone in the woods, going on a road trip. Those activities helped him to activate his right side of the brain, the fuzzier but wider angle lantern that shines on the areas that have been forgotten or ignored.
Did he sacrifice the feelings of being valued and understood that he found in his affair? No. He realized the importance of them and got to develop them in his marriage. But that is another story.
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